True Love Travels On A Gravel Road

I made the mistake today, of researching the divorce rate among couples who deal with a chronic illness or chronic pain.  What I found, was staggering.  There is a 75% divorce rate among those who are dealing with a chronic illness.  75%.  That is almost unreal to me.

I'm not gonna lie, that number scared me.  It also made me really sad.  When a couple marries, they think that their spouse is their best friend.  They think that they will always be able to count on their spouse, to turn to if something's wrong.  To see how high the divorce rate is in this group, almost cripples me.  My heart is breaking to think of the hurt, betrayal, anguish and tears that the chronically ill person must feel when their spouse tells them that they want out, because they became sick.

I can't really understand fully how it must be for him. To go from having a life-long companion, to having to help take care of someone who's sick every single day.  I know this can't be easy for him.  Chronic pain does not just hurt me.  I know it is difficult for my husband to watch me suffer.  I know when I hurt, he hurts too.   I know he has days when he feels tired, defeated, angry and overwhelmed. 

It can be difficult to watch a loved one suffer from pain.  Some important things to keep in mind:

Believe your loved one’s report of pain.

Pay attention to the signs that indicate your loved one might be in pain.  These may include:

Facial expressions, such as grimacing

Breathing and sighing heavily

Unusual body movements, such as favoring a limb or limping

Behavioral changes, such as not wanting to eat or sleep

Emotional changes such as crying or irritability

How can the spouses of chronic pain patients help? The most important thing that a spouse of someone with chronic pain can do is be a best friend. What is the best thing about a best friend? A best friend listens without complaining and allows the person in chronic pain to vent. Being able to share honestly about how the pain is affecting both the patient and the spouse is crucial to open communication. Open communication is important for the patient to feel understood by their spouse. Likewise, the spouse needs to be free to express his/her frustration at not being able to control the circumstances of chronic pain. Working out problems in a setting where chronic pain can seem overwhelming goes a long way to keeping a marriage intact.

Spouses of chronic pain patients can help by being supportive in many practical ways. A spouse can be a second set of eyes and ears at doctor visits and can advocate when necessary for their husband or wife. A spouse can support the need for therapies that the patient deems beneficial for themselves through financial support and encouragement to follow through with treatment. They can encourage self-treatment by providing the optimal atmosphere to accomplish the type of self-treatment that the patient needs to follow.

Spouses of chronic pain patients can provide childcare or do tasks that the chronic pain patient cannot do or that the patient has difficulty doing in order to give him/her time to rest and heal. Spouses can drive patients to therapy and doctor appointments and do household tasks such as washing and drying dishes, laundry, vacuuming and any task that triggers pain. Rest and healing is important for a spouse of a chronic pain patient as well. Therefore, spouses should be sure to take good care of their health through good nutrition, exercise, rest, and breaks from care giving.

How else can the spouses of chronic pain patients help? They can help by encouraging and being encouraged in a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Praying for the chronic pain patient and sharing the Word of God together is essential for the patient and the spouse.  He prays for me.  Constantly.  I’d like to see the research for the divorce rate amongst couples who pray through chronic pain vs. those who don’t.  I believe in the 25% rate. 

Ya know what else helps?  Flowers, chocolate, love notes…things like that.  I got flowers this week just because and wow does that ever lift a gal’s spirit, chronic pain, or not! 

 Thanksgiving was a rollercoaster, emotionally and physically. The morning we left I had a therapy treatment and had my back taped to help me make it through the week.  Unfortunately, the car ride caused a flare up of intense pain and I had to get a narcotic shot.  That helped me make it through the rest of the week.  I threw a football with the kids, (against the better judgment of the hubby) and I didn’t care if I would pay for it the next day.  I played with my best friend’s toddler and I knew I may be sore later, but the truth is, it always hurts.  I didn’t want to watch life pass me by.  The shot helped take the edge off and helped me feel a little better, so I embraced life and loved every second of it.   Baking, football, pudgy kisses, nieces hairdos and all!