Aint That Lovin You, Baby

What a blessing it is to know that others are thinking of me in a time of trial and to have the assurance that God never leaves my side. It seems like when I need it most, kindness comes.

Be ye kind, one unto another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another; even as God for Christ’s sake has forgiven you.  Ephesians 4:32

Just this week, some very sweet friends have encouraged me through their words and by bringing my family meals.  My devoted hubby takes off work to drive me to these unpleasant appointments and takes care of me when I get home.  He even cleaned the house.  Major brownie with chocolate chips and ice cream on the side points! 

It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.  Deuteronomy 31:8

This morning, I had my third and final cervical nerve root block.  I went into the appointment at a pain level of 9 and left at a 5. I woke up this morning with tears streaming down my face.  People, I am not a “crier!” The pain was radiating from the back of my neck, giving me a migraine.  When I came out of anesthesia, I was still hurting, so he gave me 5 injections on the right side of my neck. The doctor said he was surprised by the size of my latest plate in my neck and that I’d been through more than most people go through in three lifetimes.  He is the kindest doctor I’ve ever had.  His bedside manner is mind boggling.  He hugs me at each appointment and has gentle mannerisms.  He is a priest as well as a doctor.  Hence why in each room, there’s a sign saying:

Talk about assuring!  Can you imagine if every doctor’s office would practice this?  My next appointment is Monday.  It is the radio frequency ablation. I had this done on my heart in 2002, so I am quite the expert.  I am hesitantly optimistic.  It should last 6 months!  I’m praying that’s my miracle!  Some have asked how to specifically pray-this is it.  Please join me in my request. 

A Mess of Blues

Today was atrocious.  I had stabbing pains in my neck all day long.  Even with narcotics, my neck keeps creaking and feels like it gets stuck.  The root blocks are irritating the nerves and making it worse.  I had my first official pity party.  I cried in the pot of macaroni.  I guess I overdid it today because I got groceries and worked half a day.  I am beyond frustrated that I can’t just be normal.  All my medications have the charming side effect of making me gain weight.  If I am not already despondent from the pain, I am also fat and forlorn.  I barely eat because the pain makes me lose my appetite, but I gain weight.    God and I wrestled for a while.  I am glad He loves me despite my doubts. 

Scriptures:

“Surely He took up our sicknesses and carried our sorrows.” Isaiah 53:4

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”             Philippians 4:6-7

“Dear Friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are, as though something strange were happening to you.” 1 Peter 4:12

“But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overwhelmed when His glory is revealed.”  1 Peter 4:13 

God always means for testing to be for good, and for good to be accomplished as a result.  This means that God is not ordaining my testing because He is playing around with me to see if I will fail.  He wants me to recognize and embrace this but it’s difficult when I’m wrapped up in the midst of my experiences.  I get overwhelmed by the impact of tests.  This experience itself is instrumental in maturing my faith.  Rejoicing is the height of manifesting faith in these circumstances.  It goes against every instinct I have to rejoice so I am pressing through what I feel.  The pain is still stinging but I am choosing to embrace the sovereign determination of God. 

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Those with chronic illness or pain go through the Grief Process.  It is necessary in order to readjust and literally start living again.  Occasionally I find myself stumbling through the grief cycle in one day! 

Here are the four stages of the grief cycle:

One: Denial (I can’t believe)

Two: Depression (I can’t handle)

Three: Anger (I don’t understand why)

Four: Acceptance (I can now see)

Support and understanding for people with chronic pain or illness is vital.  Frequently when we lose our health we lose our friends too.  We don’t look sick and people just forget we have challenges.  I often need help from others, but it is hard to ask.  It is even more difficult since we’ve moved away from family (who used to live minutes away) and friends who we considered family.  Before, when I was having a harder day than usual, I could call someone and ask them for help.  It wasn’t any easier mind you, but they are family and that’s what family members do.  Now, my hard days are even harder.  Not only am I dealing with physical aspect, but the emotional distress makes it unbearable at times.  The loneliness impacts my grief cycle on a much deeper level.  It’s like He had to strip away everything and anyone I was placing in front of my relationship with Him in order to get my attention.  I tell you, I must be a slow learner or super stubborn.  I get it now God, you can ease up!  Geesh!    

Our independence is one of the first things and one of the most difficult things to give up or adjust to.  In the world today, people are measured by what we do.  I am relearning this ideal.  It is not what we do that is important but who we are.  Most importantly, it’s not even who we are but who we trust and believe in.

If you have need encouragement please let me know.  You can be encouraged by the lives of other believers.  You never know who is watching our lives.  I feel a deep sense that I am going through these trials to encourage others to keep on going, to have hope.  I don’t think we can underestimate the effect our lives have on others, even when we feel completely useless on our journey. My prayer is that I can bring even one person encouragement and help them find endurance at the time they need it most.  The only way I am able to deal with these chronic challenges is to bring it to His feet.  

  

You're The Devil In Disguise

Some days I wish God would judge me by my outward appearance.  I can guarantee the inside of me isn’t very glamorous.  (Let’s face it, the outside isn’t very glam either but at least I can mask the pain with makeup!)  

My last nerve root block went better than the first.  When I came out of sedation, I felt more alert than the week before.  I don’t consider it a good thing that my body is getting used to anesthesia.  The nerve blocks weren’t meant to treat the pain, but are more of a diagnosis.  I was supposed to have radio frequency ablation next to officially “deaden” the nerves but thank goodness I asked the doctor’s office when they called to confirm because lo and behold insurance does not allow RFA until a patient has a total of 3 nerve root blocks.  So, Monday I will go in for my 3^rd and hopefully final nerve block.  They aren’t a walk in the park. 

Encouraging scriptures:

“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more PAIN: for the former things are passed away.” Revelations 21:4 I am looking forward to this day!

“It is good for me that I have been afflicted: that I might learn thy statutes.” Psalm 119:71

“And he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

As I researched exactly what the passage above was referencing, I found it was about Paul describing his “thorn in the flesh.”  No one knows exactly what his severe affliction was.  Our weakness is a perfect opportunity for us to be an example of God’s divine power and strength that is manifest through and in us.  When you think about it, most leaders in the Old Testament had some problem, including stuttering, depression, whatever their burden, God used them.  If I have to go through this encumbrance, it may as well have a purpose!

Weirdo

It's true.  I am a certifiable nut bar.  Today I am thankful for chronic pain.  Allow me to explain.  Without the constant pain in my neck (no, not my husband) I wonder how often I would pray?  How often would I plead, and depend on Him to meet my needs?  For that, I am thankful and apologetic.  I could say I would rely on Him without this constant, concrete reminder, but I've failed many times before.  So, anytime I feel like it's too much for this gal to handle, I just have to know I am His daughter and He hurts with me .  More importantly, our physical ailments are not God's primary concern.  That stings a little.  His first goal in this life is for our hearts, souls and relationship with Him to be prepared for eternity.  This world is not our home and the years are short.  Jesus' first reactions in the Bible are not to heal first, but to forgive sins.  Healing comes after. For example, the paralyzed man lowered through the ceiling.  He loves us so much that His first priority is eternity.  Of course he is still moved by the diseases that attack us and He hates to see us suffer.  My ultimate healing isn't the point. My changed life is what will bring glory to God.  If that's what He's trying to do here, that would make it worthwhile.  If I had to choose, I would favor glorifying God in my healing.  It can happen.  However, God is also glorified in a life well-lived in spite of a debilitating injury or damaging illness.  Though I struggle, I refuse to waiver in my faith.  That's what can inspire others. 
I am also thankful because the pain helps me be fueled by compassion and empathy.  When someone is hurting, I know how to pray.  I get it.  I am not going to be flippant when someone tells me what they're going through.  If I say I will pray for you, I mean it.  I just put up a prayer board in our house to help remind me of who needs some extra prayer.  When the prayer is answered, the paper goes into another section.  Since I am a visual learner, it makes sense in my feeble brain.  I think of how many times someone has come to me and told me what they were going through just for me to say "I'm sorry.  I'll be praying for you."  It was not my intention to dismiss them so readily.  I told myself to make sure and pray for them, but then "things" happened.  The pain is changing me. 
"This is my comfort in my affliction, for your word has given me life." Psalm 119:50  My sentiments exactly. 


Verses that encourage me:

Jeremiah 17:14 "Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou are my praise."

Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk and not faint."

Psalm 34:19 "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."

Psalm 42:11 "Why are thou cast down, O my soul?  And why are thou disquieted within me?  Hope thou in God; for I shall yet praise Him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God."

And so it goes

Have you ever had a morning when you wake up and it feels like you slept wrong?  Like a crick in the neck that just won't unwrinkle?  You're sore, achy, feel much older than you actually are, and you're a little irritable because you didn't sleep well?  Well, that's how I feel every single day.  Except you need to add a few stabbing pains intermittently, like someone is jabbing you in the neck with a butter knife.  For the past ten plus years I have faced the challenge of dealing with chronic neck pain.  Ten plus years.  My oldest child is 10.  It sure gets old.  "Mom, can you play ball with me, or are you hurting too much?" Tonight my 7 year old had me tell him a story about when I was a little girl.  Halfway through my depiction of how I used to ride my bike down a hill, he looked confused and stopped me.  "Your neck didn't hurt when you were my age?"   
This is not how I want to live the rest of my life.  I am too young.  That's what my doctors keep telling me.  "You're too young to have this much neck degeneration."  Okay.  Can you make sure my spine hears you this time?  The medical bills will be thrilled by this diagnosis.  You're too young to have two neck surgeries before you were in your mid-thirties and still be in constant pain?  Well, let's dismiss those insurance checks. 
Before my first surgery I was teaching full-time.  I loved every minute of it.  The students would ask me why I was making a funny face.  Unfortunately, I wasn't trying to make a funny face.  I was unaware of the contortions I was making as I tried to stretch my neck and make it through the day.  That's when I recognized the severity.  When little kids are noticing something isn't right, it's time to get serious help.  Before that, I tried everything.  I won't be laborious in the details but if it's out there, you can be guaranteed I have tried it.  To no avail. 
I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease, spondylosis, bulging discs, bone spurs...the list goes on.  I was told it's not a matter of if the disease gets worse, but when.  My last surgery was in March.  The surgeon removed several bone spurs and we thought it helped but it didn't last.  The doctor was  surprised at the rapid deterioration of the disease.   Less than 6 months and I am in the same and worse pain than before surgery.
I get tired of talking about it.  It's embarrassing and draining.  Most of the time, I am high as a kite on narcotics, so my whole world is a blur.  It feels like I am on cold medication most days so it is very difficult to interact when things are fuzzy.
Most people are very understanding.  Others, not so much.  When I am having a worse day than usual, it doesn't feel good to have someone tell me how much they wish they could stay home.  "What do you do all day anyway?"   
I feel like a flake.  I am a planner.  A list maker.  My neck pain could care less about my twice-checked lists.  The pain is raging, so I have to cancel on my friends.  Again. 
I pray.  I beg.  I falter. 

"All Shook Up"

Only two hours of sleep last night.  I lay awake, mostly from the nuisance of pain and some apprehension for the procedure I am having done this morning. It's my second cervical medial branch block. A medial branch nerve block temporarily interrupts the pain signal being carried by the medial branch nerves that supply a specific facet joint. If the patient has the appropriate duration of pain relief after the medial branch nerve block, that individual may be a candidate for the next bout of treatment which will most likely be radio frequency ablation to the nerves in my neck.  Radio frequency ablation (or RFA) is a procedure used to reduce pain. An electrical current produced by a radio wave is used to heat up a small area of nerve tissue, thereby decreasing pain signals from that specific area.   Today isn’t a treatment for my neck, rather a diagnosis. (Thank you, Web MD.)
All I can think about is a drink of water. I’m so incredibly parched that I am afraid I will get a drink on accident.  No food or water for 8 hours before.  Unfortunately, my procedure isn’t until 11:00 am. Isn’t it uncanny how when you are prohibited from something, you become fixated on that “thing?”
In the middle of the night, I began to think how the unbearable pain only ignites my passion for the lost.  Meaning, how blessed I am to have been raised in a Christian home.  I came to know Jesus at the age of four.  How in the world would I make it through even one day of this challenging disease without someone to believe in that is greater than I?  He is the one I can turn to when I feel like I can’t take one more day.  How do people make it through life without knowing what I know?  When sin entered the world, death entered. Chronic pain, illness, and disease are a form of death.  We live in a broken world yet intimacy with God is often created in the midst of affliction.  This suffering refines me "…I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction." This test produces growth and maturity- James 1:2-4 Best of all, this demanding ailment can transform this chic into God’s image. Romans 8:28-29

Now, how can I pray for YOU today? 



"That's Alright, Momma..."

Wow.  Just wow.  I am completely blown away by the amount of support and love I have received from friends and family since starting this blog.  My intentions were simply to let people get a glimpse of my daily reality, so they could stay informed of my repetitive doctor appointments and mind-numbing updates.  Although writing this is enormously therapeutic, it is also incredibly humbling.  Allowing others to read my “diary” makes me feel vulnerable yet exhilarated.  So, here I go again...this is me being blatantly honest. 

You already know I am a weirdo. Now, here's another revelation.  I am a people pleaser.  As in:  An addiction to please others to the max.  What does this have to do with my chronic neck pain?  An immense deal actually.  I’m feeling fragile, but my crash helmet is on!   Let me start at the beginning and ask you,  are you a people pleaser?  Here are some traits.  See if any of these describe you.

People Pleasers:

1. Take most criticism personally. 

Oh boy.  I have a hard time taking criticism, especially if I feel it was not warranted.  I take everything people say to heart and I have a tough time not replaying every scenario in my mind.

2. Find it hard to express their true feelings because they don't want to hurt others.

Indeed.  Sometimes I wish I had a hint of a mean girl in me.  As in, being able to easily defend myself, or speak exactly what I am thinking.  I tend to worry about others feelings more than my own.  I literally make myself sick sometimes because the fear cripples me to tell others what I truly believe. 

3. Feel and extraordinary fear of rejection.

Of course I want people to like me, doesn't everyone?  I fall apart if I realize someone doesn't like me.  Little ol' me?  What's not to love?!  I actually have to convince myself that others want to be my friend.  The thoughts that occupy my mind are appalling at times.  “Why would she want to hang out with me?  She is way too cool to be my friend.  She will probably drop me like a hot potato once she discovers how much of a lunatic I am!”  “What if they grow tired of me bailing out on them all the time because of my so-called ailments?” 

4. Have a hard time saying no.

I take on way too much.  As in, ridiculous amounts of things that I am not even called by God to do.  I have to convince myself to say no to the good things so I can go after the best things.  This is where it hurts the most.  Not only does it harden my heart by doing things I don't even enjoy but it begins to compound the pain in my neck.  Will I walk your dog every day?  Sure!  Can I volunteer on another board?  Why not?  Bring it on.  I can mask my pain.  I am great at pretending I’m fine. 

Well, would you look at that?  I scored 100%!  Oops. 

I had been obsessed about what others thought about me and less concerned about what God thought about me. I began to tell myself I can't please everyone, but I can strive to please Him.  I was choosing the addiction of idolatry-I was telling God that other people were more important.  I need to care more about God's approval than others opinions. 

Growing up, I was introverted and expressed myself through singing.  (That's right; I was extremely shy until college, then it was like, watch out people!)  Home was not always a pleasant place.  After hearing the constant fighting between my older brother and my parents, I made the decision that I would never cause them undue grief and would strive for perfection.  My home sometimes felt unsafe and I would hideout to protect myself.  My family and friends referred to me as the “good girl,” the one who never got out of line or made poor choices.  I didn’t want to cause my parents any anguish or draw any attention to myself.  I began to have the disease to please.  It became a form of addiction to seek approval from others. I couldn’t fathom how to continue to be nice without being a people pleaser.   It’s not always wrong to be a people pleaser, but I chose to seek approval through people instead of Christ. 

The compulsion to please others made me believe I must always do what others wanted of me, and I could never say no to anyone.  I thought others should like me because I tried so hard to please them and they should never treat me unfairly because I was always so nice to them. I spent a great part of my life trying to please other people and became unhappy, resentful and depressed.  How other people thought about me became so important that it affected who I was.  I battled within myself to understand why I always said yes to people, even though everything within me was screaming no.  I had always been sensitive and perceptive to others people’s feelings.  Rather than using that as a positive tool, I would try to keep the peace, whatever the cost. 

I was not honest about who I was.  I said I liked things I didn’t really like.  I would buy a hideous shirt just so I didn’t offend the sales person!  I would nod my head in agreement to things I didn’t feel right about in my heart for fear of confrontation. I would tell people what I thought they wanted to hear to keep them happy. Instead of doing things out of desire, I would do them out of duty. I anticipated the needs of others but couldn’t ask for my own needs to be met.  I was the poster-girl for compliance.  I was miserable.  My motives were wrong.  I would do things out of fear and a sense of obligation, hoping to be accepted or seen.  I should have been motivated because God prompted me and I wanted to please Him.

Whatever we do, if we do it unto the Lord, our lives and the lives of others will be blessed.  If you help a family member, do it for the Lord.  If you work in the church nursery, do it for the Lord.  If you wash the dishes, do it for the Lord.  In everything we do, if we do it to please God, the result will be a new measure of joy and enthusiasm in your life. I encourage you to begin to do what you feel God wants you to do.  If you need strength in this area, ask for the Lord’s grace to follow after his voice instead of the pressures and demands of others.

I am a work in progress but I am transformed.  He’s doing a work in me on the inside out, to do something powerful on this earth.  Golly gee, I hope we’re still friends after all of this candidness!