Today was atrocious. I had stabbing pains in my neck all day long. Even with narcotics, my neck keeps creaking and feels like it gets stuck. The root blocks are irritating the nerves and making it worse. I had my first official pity party. I cried in the pot of macaroni. I guess I overdid it today because I got groceries and worked half a day. I am beyond frustrated that I can’t just be normal. All my medications have the charming side effect of making me gain weight. If I am not already despondent from the pain, I am also fat and forlorn. I barely eat because the pain makes me lose my appetite, but I gain weight. God and I wrestled for a while. I am glad He loves me despite my doubts.
Scriptures:
“Surely He took up our sicknesses and carried our sorrows.” Isaiah 53:4
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
“Dear Friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are, as though something strange were happening to you.” 1 Peter 4:12
“But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overwhelmed when His glory is revealed.” 1 Peter 4:13
God always means for testing to be for good, and for good to be accomplished as a result. This means that God is not ordaining my testing because He is playing around with me to see if I will fail. He wants me to recognize and embrace this but it’s difficult when I’m wrapped up in the midst of my experiences. I get overwhelmed by the impact of tests. This experience itself is instrumental in maturing my faith. Rejoicing is the height of manifesting faith in these circumstances. It goes against every instinct I have to rejoice so I am pressing through what I feel. The pain is still stinging but I am choosing to embrace the sovereign determination of God.
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