And so it goes

Have you ever had a morning when you wake up and it feels like you slept wrong?  Like a crick in the neck that just won't unwrinkle?  You're sore, achy, feel much older than you actually are, and you're a little irritable because you didn't sleep well?  Well, that's how I feel every single day.  Except you need to add a few stabbing pains intermittently, like someone is jabbing you in the neck with a butter knife.  For the past ten plus years I have faced the challenge of dealing with chronic neck pain.  Ten plus years.  My oldest child is 10.  It sure gets old.  "Mom, can you play ball with me, or are you hurting too much?" Tonight my 7 year old had me tell him a story about when I was a little girl.  Halfway through my depiction of how I used to ride my bike down a hill, he looked confused and stopped me.  "Your neck didn't hurt when you were my age?"   
This is not how I want to live the rest of my life.  I am too young.  That's what my doctors keep telling me.  "You're too young to have this much neck degeneration."  Okay.  Can you make sure my spine hears you this time?  The medical bills will be thrilled by this diagnosis.  You're too young to have two neck surgeries before you were in your mid-thirties and still be in constant pain?  Well, let's dismiss those insurance checks. 
Before my first surgery I was teaching full-time.  I loved every minute of it.  The students would ask me why I was making a funny face.  Unfortunately, I wasn't trying to make a funny face.  I was unaware of the contortions I was making as I tried to stretch my neck and make it through the day.  That's when I recognized the severity.  When little kids are noticing something isn't right, it's time to get serious help.  Before that, I tried everything.  I won't be laborious in the details but if it's out there, you can be guaranteed I have tried it.  To no avail. 
I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease, spondylosis, bulging discs, bone spurs...the list goes on.  I was told it's not a matter of if the disease gets worse, but when.  My last surgery was in March.  The surgeon removed several bone spurs and we thought it helped but it didn't last.  The doctor was  surprised at the rapid deterioration of the disease.   Less than 6 months and I am in the same and worse pain than before surgery.
I get tired of talking about it.  It's embarrassing and draining.  Most of the time, I am high as a kite on narcotics, so my whole world is a blur.  It feels like I am on cold medication most days so it is very difficult to interact when things are fuzzy.
Most people are very understanding.  Others, not so much.  When I am having a worse day than usual, it doesn't feel good to have someone tell me how much they wish they could stay home.  "What do you do all day anyway?"   
I feel like a flake.  I am a planner.  A list maker.  My neck pain could care less about my twice-checked lists.  The pain is raging, so I have to cancel on my friends.  Again. 
I pray.  I beg.  I falter.